Summer 2013

Well, I thought I might as well update everyone on how my summer is going. So far I have moved to Red Wing Minnesota for the whole summer and planning on coming back in two weeks. I have done many wonderful things so far since I have arrived including going to the cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul) multiple times a week. I have experienced fine dining at the Melting Pot, which is all fondue. It consisted of four courses the first was a cheese based fondue with the side dishes of bread, chips, and veggies. The second course was a Caesar salad (not the best I have ever tried). The third course was a beef broth that you cook your own choice of meat in, my choice? Well I could not pass up the steak lover’s plate. The final dish that was served to us was delicate chocolate fudge with a dollop of marshmallow and a cup full of Oreos the food that is served with it was a triple chocolate brownie, cheese cake, strawberries, and Oreo marshmallows. I bet your reading this saying that you wish you could dine here well you can! But it comes at a very high price for your food alone ranges from 50-60$.

 

Being away from the small town of Beulah, North Dakota has given me strength to say no to many of my old habits but that’s not the only reason that I decided to move for a good length of time. I did all of this to get a look at how going to college will be. I am happy to say that I myself am happy and very excited for what life has in store for me!

I hope everyone is having a fun summer but remember, be careful!

Life

 

Life is not full of butterflies and wonderful things. Well technically not all the time, but that’s way off of the subject. Im just trying to point out that life is never easy. No matter what you do to try to make everything go smoothly there will always be little ruts in the road that will slow us down. To be able to get through life you have to be tough and not worry about all of the little things that don’t matter and to just live as if it was your last day.

There will always be people that will come along and try to ruin your happiness but you have to be bigger person and rise above all of the low life people. Some say that ruining another person’s happiness you have to be quite unhappy yourself. Just because it give them the comfort of seeing another person hurt doesn’t mean that the pain that they feel will just magically disappear, and if it does it will most likely come back and hit them a lot worse. That is why some people go through life with many problems and sometimes end up in counseling because they have no way to cope with their unhappiness.

The best way to live life is to live it with no regrets and chase after every dream you have. If there are hard times, cope with them without causing unwanted pain to others. In the end everything will be worth it.

 

Minutes Left

“Grandmas respirations are 15 per minute and her pulse keeps becoming weaker as time fades.” I say to my sister over the phone as I am standing in the halls of the Hazen Medical Center.

“You should really go and tell the nurse that they should put oxygen on her so that she can pass away feeling comfortable.”

“Okay, I will. I will also call you with an update as soon as I hear something new.”

I hung up the phone and walked towards my grandmas room and right as I was in the door way my grandpa stood in front of me and shook his head slowly.

NO! I scream at the top of my lungs. She can’t be gone I was just in here less than ten minutes ago!

It seemed as if at that moment in time my life stopped instantaneously and everything turned to just background noise. I stood beside my grandmas’ bed and I stared at her until the mortician came to take her away. I remember that the only thing I could think about is how happy she must feel to finally be able to be reunited with my grandpa. As I held her hand it become colder as time passed and whatever life was left in her was no longer there. I kissed her head very gently and left the facility to prepare for the next couple of days.

My grandma left the earth that day and even though I would do anything to have her back with us, I know that life is not meant to last forever.

The Unexpected

“Mom, I went to the doctors today and I think I should tell you what they said.” I told my mother in a wary voice.

“Brandee is this really necessary? I am trying to sleep.” She responded very angerly.

“They think my hearts enlarged or that I have an abnormal heart beat and I might have diabetes and im scared mom, I am so scared.”

It all started off three weeks ago it was like any ordinary day; I got up for school and attended classes just like everyone else. I even had the ambition to go to work, but that’s when I knew something was wrong with me. I started to pass waters to all of my residents and I became very short of breath but I didn’t think too much into it and kept delivery waters. Then instantaneously a sharp pain ran right through my chest it felt like a bee stinging me. It happened multiple times in a minute, I sat down and tried to catch my breath so that I could make it to the nurses’ station and tell them I was going home. After I made it to the nurse I had her collect my vitals witch showed that everything was normal. Still not feeling certain that everything was completely alright with me I decided to call my mom and tell her everything that was going on.

I was rushed to the emergency and was given an EKG and had to keep a monitor on my heart. It’s hard to remember every single thing that happened during that period of time because I was in and out of consciousness. The cause, well we really didn’t know this until after a blood test was taken but I have signs that point to hypoglycemia, this is a beginning stage in people that usually have diabetes when they are older. I was sent home that night and was told to check up on my hypoglycemia and that was all I had to do because the blood tests show normal for everything else.

 

Which lead me to telling my mother that I might have an enlarged or abnormal heart beat.

I went back to my check up at the Coal Country Community Health Center the next week after I was in the emergency room and they were curious to what could be wrong with me. They ordered more blood tests which came back normal but I was given a monitor so that I can watch my blood sugar level throughout the day, this means that I have to poke my finger three times daily. But that’s not the beginning of the problem; I have to have an echocardiogram done this week to see if my heart is normal. If it’s not I will have to go through multiple medicines and maybe even surgery.

I don’t think that anything that is happening to me is really bad, I just think that it’s frightening because I don’t know what to expect on a day to day basis. The only thing that I can do right now is to keep my head up and remember that God never gives us too much to handle and life goes on.

 

Always Times of Weakness

There are many things that we expect to get out of life. You want to be loved and accepted by everyone. But, sometimes that’s not meant to be. Everyone goes through life differently and we all are made differently. There are males and females, but that’s not all. There are personalities, which make us who we are and determine what we live for. There are a lot of things that can go wrong through our life span, but there is one thing that is certain: We will all make mistakes. To go through life you have to pick yourself back up and learn from those mistakes. We have to make sure that what we once did will never happen again.                            

We are also going to hurt many people that we love, be it a friend, mom/dad, brother/sister, or grandma/grandpa. We have to make our decisions very cautiously so that we don’t damage any relationships for a full time. If we do during that process we have to grow stronger from that experience and keep on moving. There are always going to be people that will never understand the things that some of us go through.

Some of the things are not just person to person it could be you battling with yourself thinking that you are worthless and that you don’t deserve to live. Well, those voices inside of your head are wrong. You have to shake them away and believe in your heart that you are good enough and there is always going to be a place on Earth for you. You are here for a reason. There are going to be times that you are going to want to hurt yourself, but you have to be a bigger person and get help before that happens. Physical pain is not any better than emotional pain. Once you have done the terrible action to yourself all of that emotional pain will come back and hit a lot worse than it did before. Nothing can stop the pain unless you face it head on and get through all of it because no matter what you do it will always come back.

Life is more than most people think, it takes time to perfect your lifestyle. There has to be times that saying no and getting away from the bad is the way to go. Nothing can save you from life itself but being yourself and never giving up is one thing that will make you live a more successful life rather than moping around. When there are hard times you have to be willing to get through them. If life was easy then it wouldn’t be life. It would simply just be a phase.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Weight, well this has been an issue for me since I was in elementary school. It may not seem like that is possible but trust me, it is. I have never intended to be big I just get comfort from food whenever I consume it. When I was younger my life was changed upside down and it always seemed as if nothing was ever constant in my life except for food it never mattered what kind as long as it was edible. Well that caught up to me very fast and instead of going to play at recess I would go and eat a snack.

One thing that I have never been able to get use to is how cruel people can be. At the age of 13 I was bullied for as long as I can remember because I was always the biggest of the class. I was always the outcast and the one to get chosen last just because I was a little bigger.

What people don’t realize is that I am uncomfortable with my body, I wake up every morning hoping and praying that I will look down and all of the fat will just melt off and that I wouldn’t have to deal with the humiliation anymore. No one knows that I am afraid of going to school every day because I have no clue if I am going to fit into a desk because I may be too big or if I eat lunch will people look at me and think I am just a cow. People that have made fun of me have scared me for life and they have made me the person I am today.

I have recently started dieting and exercising it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I have lost a total of 11 pounds, it may not seem like much but it’s enough to keep me motivated and happy. I am turning my life around and this time I am doing it for my sake and no one else can tell me I can’t succeed because it is my life and I can do what I want with it.

 

Love or Infatuation

 

Love, what is it? Is it telling the person they love them or showing them through your actions? What a lot of people don’t know is that true love is showing your significant other that they love them without saying they do.

In this age of people you see them throwing out they love eachother because they once shared a cookie with them or that they just had a spark. Love is something delicate and it takes time to actually know for sure that the feeling they have is real. But how do you know for sure? Well it's simple you’re not going to want anyone else and you would do anything for the one you love and would sacrifice your happiness for theirs. You will do anything and everything for them.

It’s not just in relationships that you see this word being thrown around; even in family members you see this happening. Such as you have a mother or father that left when you were young and they never managed to get to see you every other weekend or that they didn’t ever have the decency to call you on the phone and say happy birthday. They then call you after a certain period of time and at the end of every two minute call they would say ‘I love you’ and of course you will say it back. This can take you by surprise but that love is something you really bad want to be there so you push so hard to get it. But, at the end of the day you will realize that you don’t truly love then you just love the person they were for those two minutes every week.

Taking time to find out if your love is real will save you many days of a broken heart.

Think Before You Make a Decision

            “Hey we should drink tonight.”

Those five words are the things that I wish I could take back every day. This event happened three months ago. I was very big headed and thought that nothing could come of this irresponsible event that I was going to do. I got into that car and even though I wasn’t the one that was driving I should have stopped it because the driver was more intoxicated then me. Twenty minutes after beginning to drink and having a good time while driving around we saw red, white, and blue behind us. At that moment my heart sunk and I knew that I was going to get busted. Sure enough I was caught with .44 alcohol level in my system. I was referred to the juvenile court and was given three months of unsupervised probation, a $50 class, and license restrictions for a month.

I am not telling you this story to get any bad reactions but I want to spread the word on how lucky I am. As I see the situation it could have been much worse, for example I could have killed an innocent life for some stupid decision that I could have avoided.

 Everyone has reasons for everything they do, but there is no reason for getting into a vehicle while drinking. So, get a designated driver and wait until you are of legal age. Don’t think your untouchable and be careful because you could be the next one in my position or even worse, people could be standing around a casket grieving of your death or even the other drivers. Think before you make a decision.  

 

 

Death of an Innocent

I went to a party, Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
"The other guy is drunk," Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom...
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.

He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you,
you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?

-Unkown-

Everyday is a Gift

Mothers, what would we do without them?

My mother is the women that raised me every day since I arrived into the world. Of course what people don’t know is that I lived a very rough childhood up until five years ago. You see, my mother is an alcoholic and once you have this disease it is very hard to be able to get rid of it. Well, let me rephrase that, when you become an alcoholic you can never fully recover from it. You will always be an alcoholic, sober or not sober.

When I was little and growing up I never got to go to sleep overs or a friends’ house, I always went directly home once the clock struck 3:20. When I managed to get home I would make sure that my mom was safe and that she was not getting into anything, in a short version I was just like a babysitter but to my own mother. After getting her situated and cleaning the house I then started working on making supper so that my brother could have something in his stomach before he went to bed. I was the mother of the household and even though I knew that it was not healthy I had to make sure that my brother got everything he needed and that he could live a better childhood than I was so that he didn’t have to carry a burden everywhere he went like I did. But at the age of thirteen something magnificent happened. My mother admitted herself into treatment.

Even though I was very sad at the thought of my mother leaving me for an extensive period of time I knew that she had to go to get healthy and be able to say no to her addiction. After a month she was able to come home because she had made progress and showed no sign of wanting to consume alcohol. After thirteen years I had finally had a mother that would love and care for me and I would no longer have to be a parent. That day when she arrived home I knew at that exact moment my life would change forever.

For three months I struggled with having my mother there because I had a routine that I wanted to be the one who did everything because that was my responsibility and I took pride in everything that I did. I knew that I had to let go of that role and once I did I was thankful to be able to be a kid and do what I wanted.

On February 25, 2013 my mother will be sober for five years. I am very proud of her because she managed to make it through many obstacles in her lifetime and that’s what makes her strong. I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.

 

 

                                                                       
                                                         

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

 

Fulfill Your Life

Life is what you make it.

I have heard that so many times but is that true, do people actually get to decide what goes on in their lives or is it just what society makes them out to be? We all live in a world where we are suppose to be clones, but they preach to us telling us we have to be different. But, when we do what they say that get angry and think of us as out casts.

Everyone has their own personality and they deserve to show off who they really are. We can’t be afraid to live our lives the way we want. If we want to be happy we have to show the world who we really are and not be afraid of the consequences that may arise through the process. We were made to be different.

We all have a purpose on this earth, and you have to make the most of it. Don’t give up, it will be hard but in the end it will always be worth it. Take action and live a fulfilled life. Make God proud of you.

Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped-Philippians 2:2-8

Something Special(:

“Hey mom, is it okay if I work Friday 7-9?” I asked. “No, don’t pick up any shifts! I have a surprise for you but you can’t tell you until 5 tomorrow when were both at work.”

Wondering what it could be I sat pondering about all the possibilities. Is it a car or money? Hmmm, it could be anything! Five could not come fast enough I thought to myself! But finally the time approached. “Mom, tell me now! I really want to know!” “Brandee wait five minutes.” She said.

Filling the cups of water I turned around to my mother’s voice to someone in the hall. I wondered who it was and a second later my sister walks in with my two month old nephew! Astonished I screamed, and hugged my sister tight! I couldn’t believe they came all the way to see me! I asked my mom why she did all of this for me, and she told me it was because I have been having a hard time and I seem sad all the time.

This experience showed me that people do care, even though you may not see it or even feel it. Everyone should be thankful for what they have, and never under estimate anything.

Pictures are Worth a Thousand Words

Aunt Lexa?

Yes Taren?

I found a picture inside the cabinet and I was wondering if you could tell me about it.

Of course sweetie! Oh my, that is your mother.

My mother? Auntie could you tell me about her and maybe a few stories?

Well Taren, I was going to wait to tell you about her until you were 18 but 16 seems okay I guess. Your mothers’ name was Brandee Dawn Holen, but liked to keep the last name silent whenever possible. Don’t get her wrong or anything, but she just didn’t get along with all of the other Holens’ that’s why you only have me and grandmas side of the family here for you, because she never wanted you to get into the things that her father’s side once did.  And as you know, your father passed away from cancer 2 months into your mothers’ pregnancy.

Your mother was a great lady Taren, she liked to help people and even when she was having hard times because she thought that if she could help someone else then her pain would fade away in the back ground and she wouldn’t have to deal with it. But eventually that caught up to her, when she had you she was the happiest person. But one day, everything just hit her at once and she couldn’t deal with all the sorrow and pain that she had kept to herself for so long and one day she drove and crashed into another car causing her to pass away instantaneously, but the others were okay and walked away with only a few injuries.

Before you were born, she made a will and made sure that I was the one that would get full custody of you. Which leads me to tell you this, I am not your real aunt sweetie, me and your mom were really good friends and did everything together. We had our ups and downs but always at the end of the day we made up and realized that just because we have differences doesn’t mean that were bad people. Once she wrote I was the legal guardian in her will, I knew that I would from then on out be your auntie.

So you’re telling me that I was lied to? I thought all of you said that she passed away from a drunk driver hitting her on the way home from work! And that grandma adopted you at age 3 and that does make you my real aunt! WHY LIE?

Taren, calm down, we said all of those things to protect you from getting hurt. This doesn’t make any difference between us; you will always be my sweet little niece even if it is not biological.

I guess I understand why you guys said what you said. Can you tell me one story about you and her?

Well, we were not that great of an influence for little kids to look up to. We had fun and lived our teen years doing stuff that we should not have like partying. But one time sticks out to me more than anything; it was the time we stayed at grandma’s house without anyone there.  We decided that at 1 A.M we would sneak to the gas station to go get drinks and we left a couple of our good friends back at the house so we didn’t make too much noise.  To get out without the neighbors seeing we drove down the street with no headlights on because we were afraid that they would shine in windows. Once we got to the gas station we got everyone drinks but got us mozzarella sticks, we ran inside the house and while everyone was getting there drinks we made the food and we both ate it because we didn’t want to share with anyone. This is the night that I will remember of us because it may not seem like a lot, but that was the night that me and your mother started becoming close. After that night we became so close that we just thought of each other as sisters.

Thank you aunt Lexa, you are such an amazing person for taking me in when she passed away and you have such a strong head on your shoulders. I love you so much. Even though I wish my mother was here, im glad that I have someone like you to watch over me and guide me through life. My mother made a fantastic decision choosing you as my guardian.

See Taren, you are just like her; you are good at making people feel better. You are an amazing young lady and your mother would be very proud of you if she was here right now. I love you sweet heart.

Memories Make Life Memorable

What’s a memory? Is it good or bad? Well, there are many different types of memories, but the ones that I like to remember are good memories. This is something that stays in your heart forever and you love to remember it and when you think about it you find yourself with a huge smile upon your face.

When I think of a memory, there is one that always seems to pop into my mind right away. It was the first time my mom had left me with my sisters so she could go to the store. But, I never got along with them when I was smaller so I decided that I was going to leave the house without them seeing me so I could go to the store to because I wanted fruit snacks and I didn’t know if my mom would remember to pick them up for me. So there I was, 7 years old and walking to the store by myself. I thought that I was the coolest person ever, then once I hit main street a cop spotted me and asked me where I was headed and once I told him he made me get into the back of the police car so that he could take me back home because I was obviously too young to be out and about by myself. Everyone thought this was horrible, but once he dropped me off he allowed me to see the whole vehicle and he even turned on the lights and sirens on so that I could see and hear them. So you see, this was something that I had always wished to do but never had the chance till that day. Even though I was not allowed to play with my dolls for a week because that was my punishment I would never take back that day for anything because even though it was wrong to leave the house I had finally fulfilled my dream to see that police car. That is why this was my favorite memory.

Even though a memory can be small and big doesn’t mean that it’s not special to someone. Thinking about their own memory could be the only thing putting a smile on their face every day. So remember, live for the moment because you never know if that one thing you’re doing can lead to one of the greatest memories of your life.

It’s A Dream That One Day Will Become Reality

Vacations aren’t something that is intended to be dreadful, they are supposed to be fun and a time where you can get away for a few days. They’re supposed to take away stress and give you a time of relaxation from the real world even if you don’t go somewhere spontaneous. But everyone has a dream vacation that they one day hope to go on. It may be big or it may be small but it’s a get away from life that needs to be fulfilled

Mine would be a warm place with palm trees and sand right next to an ocean. I could go there to clear my head and think wonderful thoughts and maybe even write and read a couple good books. But there is a lot more than just that, I could go to aquariums to see and discover all new variations of fish that I have never seen before in a small town in North Dakota. So even while taking a vacation I would still be learning new and interesting things. But every vacation needs a fun experience and I would like to learn to surf, even though it will take a lot of dedication, time, and money, I believe it would be worth it. It can teach me that even though I might fail a couple times I will need to get up and keep going to reach a goal that I have set for myself. I would also need to try something very out of the norm for me; I would probably choose to try a fresh coconut. Even though I don’t like fake coconut I feel as if I need to try a real one to see if they are any better even if they do look like a ball with fur on them. A vacation doesn’t just need to be relaxing; it needs to be fun as well because everything needs zest.

This is my dream vacation that I one day hope and pray to go on. Even if it doesn’t happen soon or in the near future, I will be fine with that but it will have to be in this life time. So don’t be afraid to go and experience new places and new adventures take the extra step to make your vacation a memorable one that will not only stay in your mind but also inside your heart.