Sunday, November 2, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
MEMOIR
I sat beside my grandmothers’ bed, watching her slip away from her body more and more every second. “Grandma” I said “are you excited to see grandpa when you get to heaven?” She mumbled, “I am not excited because he has been here the whole time, he is right at the end of the bed at this moment. He looks different, can I sleep with him?” I felt tingles’ run down and up my spine and then before I knew it I felt a chill. As I held back my tears, I sat there not knowing what to say to that. But before I had a chance to reply, she slipped into a deep sleep that I knew she would not wake up from. I waited for her eyes to open for what seemed to be hours, but it didn’t happen. She was still breathing but just had not been able to regain her consciousness. I knew I could do nothing for her except be patient and let life take its course and make her as comfortable as I could. But as it got late I knew I no longer could sit by her bed, because I had to go home and study for my finals so I kissed her goodbye and left for the night.
I got up bright and early for school the next morning and knew that everything would be okay and that I just had to have faith. First period went by fast and of course it was a Friday so I was super hyper! But once into second period I had a gut feeling something happened. “Brandee are you okay?” said one of my friends. “Yes why wouldn’t I be?” I said in reply. “Your sister posted something on her Facebook that your great grandma passed away.” Instantaneously I got out of my desk and told the teacher that I had to go to the office so I could call my mom and make sure that what I just heard was not true. But unfortunately she did not answer so in tears I told the office ladies that I had to go see my grandma because she was about to pass away and no one will answer and I had to go see her immediately. Running to my car in a panic I drove fast to the nursing home where she resided. The first words I heard after stepping out of my vehicle was “Im sorry for the loss of your grandma Brandee.” I knew right then and there that she was gone and that I wouldn’t be able to get granola bars, fresh carrots, and those hugs she gave me every time I saw her. I ran down to her room and saw my grandma, aunt, and mom sitting by my great grandmothers’ bedside that she was now laying their not breathing but somehow had a smile on her face. I burst into tears yelling, asking why they hadn’t called me and why I had to find out over Facebook. Overwhelmed with grief everyone hugged me close telling me it would be okay and that she is finally happy with grandpa up in heaven.
Finally now gaining control over my emotions I stood beside my now unconscious and not breathing grandmother. I tried not to cry but I couldn’t hold back the tears it wasn’t all because I was sad but also because I was happy, happy that she now got what she wanted. I sat and stared and kissed her hand oh so gently knowing that I couldn’t hear her laugh anymore. I said softly to her knowing that somehow she could hear me “I love you oh so dearly, you made me smile every time we were together. You were the one who understood me and accepted me for everything I am. Take care up there and I will see you later okay? And I promise to always be true to myself.” I kissed her on the forehead and walked out of the room. I sobbed and hugged my mom so close. “Brandee” my grandma said, “I knew Grandma Genny would have wanted you to have this.” As she placed a family keepsake into my hand, I held it so hard it made and indent into my palm. After leaving the nursing home still in tears, I drove and drove because I knew I couldn’t handle going home at least not after what had just happened. I needed to get away and clear my head for a while. Looking up for my steering wheel I saw the sign saying “Now entering Stanton”, I had no idea how I got so far in what seemed to be so little time. I pulled over to the side of the rode screaming, screaming that God cannot do this to me again! I didn’t deserve to go through five deaths in one year. I went to church and I did everything that I was supposed to, I just had no idea why God chose me to have all of this pain. Driving while still sobbing slightly with my window rolled down feeling the breeze and with the music blaring I finally made it home, but for some reason I still couldn’t get out of the car. My body felt numb and I felt as if I was in a whole different world and that I could not accept reality. But after a half hour I made it into the house, automatically my sister gave me a hug saying it will be okay.
Not wanting to be around anyone I decided that instead of dealing with the pain I was going to write a eulogy for the funeral. After two days of perfecting the speech it was time for the funeral. Seeing her lying there with her favorite pair of clothes on and seeing that bright smile upon her face, I felt another chill go down my spine just like when I was there in her room with her the day she said my grandpa was with us. I knew at that moment she was with me, giving me comfort to get through the day. As the funeral started I got up in front of everybody and gave that perfect eulogy that I spent days writing I knew my voice was shaky, but I did the best that I could even though some parts I started sobbing. But I was glad everyone enjoyed the speech, as they complimented me after the service I still felt overwhelmed but I knew that there was nothing else I could do except provide comfort for everyone else.
As we drove out to the burial site were my grandpa was also laid to rest two years before, I saw a bird in the sky. Not only was it a bird but it was my grandmas’ favorite, a black bird with a blue stripe upon its stomach. From that moment on I knew that she was watching over me I took that as a sign that she was okay and that she was and happy where she was. I still felt sadness, but not as much. I know that I did not have to say goodbye to her, because we will one day be reunited in a better place.
I got up bright and early for school the next morning and knew that everything would be okay and that I just had to have faith. First period went by fast and of course it was a Friday so I was super hyper! But once into second period I had a gut feeling something happened. “Brandee are you okay?” said one of my friends. “Yes why wouldn’t I be?” I said in reply. “Your sister posted something on her Facebook that your great grandma passed away.” Instantaneously I got out of my desk and told the teacher that I had to go to the office so I could call my mom and make sure that what I just heard was not true. But unfortunately she did not answer so in tears I told the office ladies that I had to go see my grandma because she was about to pass away and no one will answer and I had to go see her immediately. Running to my car in a panic I drove fast to the nursing home where she resided. The first words I heard after stepping out of my vehicle was “Im sorry for the loss of your grandma Brandee.” I knew right then and there that she was gone and that I wouldn’t be able to get granola bars, fresh carrots, and those hugs she gave me every time I saw her. I ran down to her room and saw my grandma, aunt, and mom sitting by my great grandmothers’ bedside that she was now laying their not breathing but somehow had a smile on her face. I burst into tears yelling, asking why they hadn’t called me and why I had to find out over Facebook. Overwhelmed with grief everyone hugged me close telling me it would be okay and that she is finally happy with grandpa up in heaven.
Finally now gaining control over my emotions I stood beside my now unconscious and not breathing grandmother. I tried not to cry but I couldn’t hold back the tears it wasn’t all because I was sad but also because I was happy, happy that she now got what she wanted. I sat and stared and kissed her hand oh so gently knowing that I couldn’t hear her laugh anymore. I said softly to her knowing that somehow she could hear me “I love you oh so dearly, you made me smile every time we were together. You were the one who understood me and accepted me for everything I am. Take care up there and I will see you later okay? And I promise to always be true to myself.” I kissed her on the forehead and walked out of the room. I sobbed and hugged my mom so close. “Brandee” my grandma said, “I knew Grandma Genny would have wanted you to have this.” As she placed a family keepsake into my hand, I held it so hard it made and indent into my palm. After leaving the nursing home still in tears, I drove and drove because I knew I couldn’t handle going home at least not after what had just happened. I needed to get away and clear my head for a while. Looking up for my steering wheel I saw the sign saying “Now entering Stanton”, I had no idea how I got so far in what seemed to be so little time. I pulled over to the side of the rode screaming, screaming that God cannot do this to me again! I didn’t deserve to go through five deaths in one year. I went to church and I did everything that I was supposed to, I just had no idea why God chose me to have all of this pain. Driving while still sobbing slightly with my window rolled down feeling the breeze and with the music blaring I finally made it home, but for some reason I still couldn’t get out of the car. My body felt numb and I felt as if I was in a whole different world and that I could not accept reality. But after a half hour I made it into the house, automatically my sister gave me a hug saying it will be okay.
Not wanting to be around anyone I decided that instead of dealing with the pain I was going to write a eulogy for the funeral. After two days of perfecting the speech it was time for the funeral. Seeing her lying there with her favorite pair of clothes on and seeing that bright smile upon her face, I felt another chill go down my spine just like when I was there in her room with her the day she said my grandpa was with us. I knew at that moment she was with me, giving me comfort to get through the day. As the funeral started I got up in front of everybody and gave that perfect eulogy that I spent days writing I knew my voice was shaky, but I did the best that I could even though some parts I started sobbing. But I was glad everyone enjoyed the speech, as they complimented me after the service I still felt overwhelmed but I knew that there was nothing else I could do except provide comfort for everyone else.
As we drove out to the burial site were my grandpa was also laid to rest two years before, I saw a bird in the sky. Not only was it a bird but it was my grandmas’ favorite, a black bird with a blue stripe upon its stomach. From that moment on I knew that she was watching over me I took that as a sign that she was okay and that she was and happy where she was. I still felt sadness, but not as much. I know that I did not have to say goodbye to her, because we will one day be reunited in a better place.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Summer 2013
Well, I thought I might as well update everyone on how my summer is
going. So far I have moved to Red Wing Minnesota for the whole summer and
planning on coming back in two weeks. I have done many wonderful things so far
since I have arrived including going to the cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul)
multiple times a week. I have experienced fine dining at the Melting Pot, which
is all fondue. It consisted of four courses the first was a cheese based fondue
with the side dishes of bread, chips, and veggies. The second course was a Caesar
salad (not the best I have ever tried). The third course was a beef broth that
you cook your own choice of meat in, my choice? Well I could not pass up the
steak lover’s plate. The final dish that was served to us was delicate
chocolate fudge with a dollop of marshmallow and a cup full of Oreos the food
that is served with it was a triple chocolate brownie, cheese cake,
strawberries, and Oreo marshmallows. I bet your reading this saying that you
wish you could dine here well you can! But it comes at a very high price for
your food alone ranges from 50-60$.
Being away from the small town of Beulah, North Dakota has given me
strength to say no to many of my old habits but that’s not the only reason that
I decided to move for a good length of time. I did all of this to get a look at
how going to college will be. I am happy to say that I myself am happy and very
excited for what life has in store for me!
I hope everyone is having a fun summer but remember, be careful!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Life
Life is not full of butterflies and wonderful
things. Well technically not all the time, but that’s way off of the subject.
Im just trying to point out that life is never easy. No matter what you do to
try to make everything go smoothly there will always be little ruts in the road
that will slow us down. To be able to get through life you have to be tough and
not worry about all of the little things that don’t matter and to just live as
if it was your last day.
There will always be people that will come along
and try to ruin your happiness but you have to be bigger person and rise above
all of the low life people. Some say that ruining another person’s happiness
you have to be quite unhappy yourself. Just because it give them the comfort of
seeing another person hurt doesn’t mean that the pain that they feel will just
magically disappear, and if it does it will most likely come back and hit them
a lot worse. That is why some people go through life with many problems and
sometimes end up in counseling because they have no way to cope with their
unhappiness.
The best way to live life is to live it with no
regrets and chase after every dream you have. If there are hard times, cope
with them without causing unwanted pain to others. In the end everything will
be worth it.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Minutes Left
“Grandmas respirations are 15 per minute and
her pulse keeps becoming weaker as time fades.” I say to my sister over the
phone as I am standing in the halls of the Hazen Medical Center.
“You should really go and tell the nurse that
they should put oxygen on her so that she can pass away feeling comfortable.”
“Okay, I will. I will also call you with an
update as soon as I hear something new.”
I hung up the phone and walked towards my
grandmas room and right as I was in the door way my grandpa stood in front of
me and shook his head slowly.
NO! I scream at the top of my lungs. She can’t
be gone I was just in here less than ten minutes ago!
It seemed as if at that moment in time my life
stopped instantaneously and everything turned to just background noise. I stood
beside my grandmas’ bed and I stared at her until the mortician came to take
her away. I remember that the only thing I could think about is how happy she
must feel to finally be able to be reunited with my grandpa. As I held her hand
it become colder as time passed and whatever life was left in her was no longer
there. I kissed her head very gently and left the facility to prepare for the
next couple of days.
My grandma left the earth that day and even
though I would do anything to have her back with us, I know that life is not
meant to last forever.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The Unexpected
“Mom, I went to the doctors today and I think I should tell
you what they said.” I told my mother in a wary voice.
“Brandee is this really necessary? I am trying to sleep.” She responded
very angerly.
“They think my hearts enlarged or that I have an abnormal
heart beat and I might have diabetes and im scared mom, I am so scared.”
It all started off three weeks ago it was like any ordinary day;
I got up for school and attended classes just like everyone else. I even had
the ambition to go to work, but that’s when I knew something was wrong with me.
I started to pass waters to all of my residents and I became very short of
breath but I didn’t think too much into it and kept delivery waters. Then instantaneously
a sharp pain ran right through my chest it felt like a bee stinging me. It
happened multiple times in a minute, I sat down and tried to catch my breath so
that I could make it to the nurses’ station and tell them I was going home.
After I made it to the nurse I had her collect my vitals witch showed that
everything was normal. Still not feeling certain that everything was completely
alright with me I decided to call my mom and tell her everything that was going
on.
I was rushed to the emergency and was given an EKG and had to
keep a monitor on my heart. It’s hard to remember every single thing that
happened during that period of time because I was in and out of consciousness.
The cause, well we really didn’t know this until after a blood test was taken
but I have signs that point to hypoglycemia, this is a beginning stage in
people that usually have diabetes when they are older. I was sent home that
night and was told to check up on my hypoglycemia and that was all I had to do
because the blood tests show normal for everything else.
Which lead me to telling my mother that I might have an
enlarged or abnormal heart beat.
I went back to my check up at the Coal Country Community
Health Center the next week after I was in the emergency room and they were
curious to what could be wrong with me. They ordered more blood tests which
came back normal but I was given a monitor so that I can watch my blood sugar
level throughout the day, this means that I have to poke my finger three times
daily. But that’s not the beginning of the problem; I have to have an
echocardiogram done this week to see if my heart is normal. If it’s not I will
have to go through multiple medicines and maybe even surgery.
I don’t think that anything that is happening to me is really
bad, I just think that it’s frightening because I don’t know what to expect on
a day to day basis. The only thing that I can do right now is to keep my head
up and remember that God never gives us too much to handle and life goes on.
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